Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
