so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
