and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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