i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
