does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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