I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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