Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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