Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
