It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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