I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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