Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
