i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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