Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
