You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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