I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
