it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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