I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
