so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
