no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
