I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
there is glitter all over my balls
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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