I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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