the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
