i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
