No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
