i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
