I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
