If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
