I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
