I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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