I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
