im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
