Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
