I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
