Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
