i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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