paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
