Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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