so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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