Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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