just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
