this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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