her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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