Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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