Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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