The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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