That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
