EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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