The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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