The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
