It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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