So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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