also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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